I should probably start a strike off calendar for how long I think I am going to be in this state.  Another tough day and realistically I know it could get worse before it gets better.  The drugs they are giving me are targetting the white blood cells and the platelets to bring them down into the range of normal but unfortnately they aren't discriminant and while they are doing the job they are supposed to do they are also killing off good cells and much of my hemoglobin.  Hemoglobin is the oxygen carrying capacity of your blood.  The fact that I was a runner for years and years probably was a contributing factor to my previously high levels of hemoglobin.  I have gone from what was normal for me high level of hemoglobin to counts of around a hundred and from what the doctor said to me at my last visit they expect it will probably continue to drop until it starts to rebound.  To me this translates that I will feel worse before I feel better.  I am mentally prepared for this but know I will be irritable and cranky along the way.  Bill just shrugs and  lets me be but at the same time he is doing everything in his power to cheer me up. Tonight was Kelli's graduation dinner in Vancouver and we decided it would not be in my best interests to go.  So instead, he planned a graduation supper at home for us.  King Crab Legs!  They were delicious but in his usual overexhuberant fashion he cooked about triple what I could proably eat under normal circumstances.  Did my best but we certainly had food left over.  Kelli in the meantime is off to the dinner with her fellow residents.  I was happy to hear she was not the only one attending without family support.  I have not missed many special days in either of my kids lives and this was a tough one to bow out on.
Today Bill worked on our yard and I caught up on a bunch of little sitting tasks I have been procrastinating on.  I took one trip out to the store to pick up some supplies for my photo album redo and that just about did me in.  I know Bill would love to get down into the flood zone and help out and I think he should just go but on the other hand he doesn't feel right leaving me on my own despite my insistence that this is exactly what I need right now.  When I'm alone I don't feel the need to justify why I'm sitting on a chair watching my garden grow.  I don't feel like I need to be doing anything.  I had an email from a good friend yesterday who has been battling huge fatigue issues for sometime now and she really managed to put things in to perspective for me.  She says her husband no longer asks her what she did today....he asks how her day was.  People mean well I know but almost everyone looks at you and asks what you've been up to and what are your plans for the long weekend and what are you going to do today.  When you think about it it is the most natural question in the world until you are faced with the scenario that there is nothing you really can do at the moment, when you body is screaming at you to slow down and let it recover, when it is actually physically impossible to do things that only a week ago you were accomplishing with ease.  I must content myself with the knowledge that this will improve.  I will be back on my bike in time for the ride, I will be back on the golf course before the end of July and I will slowly start to take charge of my life again.  I just need to be patient and give myself the time I deserve. Thanks to those of you who have offered up assurances that you don't care if I'm snappy and grumpy.....I try not to be but every so often I just seem to lose control over that aspect of things.  I am going to try to lay low.....I wish I could be out there helping those people who need our assistance and I thank those of you who are throwing yourselves whole heardedly into the task of helping these people reclaim their homes.  Calgary has proven itself to be worthy of it's reputation of being one of the friendliest places on earth but also has demonstrated what can be accomplished when people ban together and help others in need.  Good on those of you who have embraced this philosophy. You are making a difference!