Today was our first beautiful day since we arrived last Monday.  We decided to hit the golf course today.  On our bike ride yesterday we came across a couple of courses along Marine Drive.  One was an eighteen hole Par 3 (I have never heard of an 18 hole par 3!) the other a regular golf course but only nine holes.  We decided on the regular course, although there were no carts on the course and it was pretty hilly.  We were paired up with a 70 year old man and his daughter who were terrible golfers but absolutely lovely people.  When we got to hole three I had to laugh at the name of the hole….it was called “Cardiac Hill!”  Bill pulled my pull cart up for me along with his own and I’m sure our playing companions were thinking I was a real prima donna!  Then to top it off I had a really good round and smoked them all including Bill.  I’m sure the guy was thinking that having my cart pulled for me was the reason for my decent play.  At the end of the game he invited us to join them for a drink on the deck of the clubhouse which we did and had a delightful visit with them.  Honestly, in all the games of golf I have played I have rarely come across people whose company I did not enjoy and this game was no exception.  There has been the odd occasion when you end up with someone who is annoying or a poor sport.  The one I really hate is the person who talks on their cell phone during the round.  We have had a few of these!  But this was not the case today!  Nice course, good company, great game!  What more could you ask for?

I got a message today that I have an appointment to see the haematologist on Monday so guess I will hear what the blood work they did the other day shows.  Again into the waiting game.  I really hate it when the doctor calls on a Friday and you have to wait.  Waiting is the worst!

Kelli arrives tomorrow.  She has a stint in Vancouver that will wrap up her family medicine residency.  She has to be back in Calgary on June 22-23 for the ride then back out here for her graduation on the 25^th!  The Vancouver program has been so good about accommodating her flex schedule which has allowed her the freedom to return to Calgary for much of her residency.  July will be the start of her R3 year which is a third year of residency which will allow her to practice Emergency Medicine! 

So a gentle reminder to all that tonight is the night for White Rabbits!  Any time after midnight.  I’m getting a little discouraged that all this rabbit luck hasn’t been paying off but can’t bring myself to stop being a believer!  “BELIEVE!”  And yes I do…..I believe in the power of positive thinking, I believe in taking charge of your life, I believe in being there for others, I believe that the love and support of others can carry you miles further than you could possibly go yourself, I believe that cancer can be beaten even when the chips are down, I believe the world is full of great people, and I believe a little luck never hurt anyone!  So put those postie notes on your bathroom mirror or on your puppies kennel, place your rabbit on your bedside table, whatever works!  Keep the luck if you need it and some of you most definitely do but if life is good……send it my way please!!!

"It is easier to have faith when you leap with a parachute.  But most of faith is a free fall!"  This pretty much sums it all up!

Well....as I said yesterday, things never seem to go as you think they should.  The good news is that my cancer has not progressed at all since my PET a few months ago, the bad news is that because of my high white blood cell and platelet counts I have been excluded from the trial.  Yesterday the doctor called and softened the blow.....today he delivered the punch!  We will continue to investigate what the possible cause of this could be and should it return to more normal levels I could once again be considered for this trial.  In the meantime.....more tests....lots of questions.  I have never been normal....this doctor just doesn't realize it.  Years ago I had elevated liver enzymes.  My doctor put me through just about every test imaginable and these tests went on for years!  I had ultra sounds, was tested for hepatitis, had a barium enema etc. etc.  At one point I was sent to a liver specialist who was considering doing a liver biopsy but because of my excellent health decided we would just do the watchful wait  My doctor finally retired and I went to a new doctor.  On my first appointment she sent me for bloodwork,  When I got to the lab they noticed that she had ticked off one test and then crossed it out but decided to be safe they would do the test anyways.  A few days later my doctor called me to come in for a consult.  She was shaking her head as she told me she didn't even know why she would order this test because I had exhibited none of the symptoms associated with hypothyroid.  Symptoms included weight gain, no energy etc.  I had none of these symptoms, however, my thyroid was low and I was put on synthroid.  Miraculously, my liver enzymes then normalized!  It was all a totally comedy of errors that got me to that point.  I'm not saying that will be the case with my white cells.  They are extremely high but again I am not showing any symptoms.  Normally a person with these levels would be very sick, very tired.....not well.  Of course I'm not well but for what I have I'm doing pretty darn good.  So, I had my ten minute weep and have decided to move forward.  Who knows maybe these white cells are the reason my cancer has not progressed.  I have time and time again joked with my family and said it's time for me to cure myself because the doctors sure aren't doing it.  So I guess this trip really has turned into a vacation after all.  We will probably stay here for at least a week as Kelli is coming out to do some work here and it would be nice for her to have a place to stay.  Today it continues to drizzle with grey skies overhead but we have had a good day.  We walked across the bridge this morning and did some birthday present shopping.  This afternoon we donned our bike gear and did a ride down Marine Drive looking at many fancy homes and fancy cars parked in front of them.  Mega bucks in that neighbourhood, that's for sure!  The ride was really pretty but was 90% hills.  You were either going up or you were going down and there were a couple of hills I think I left a lung on!  We got back to the RV park and I took Boomer for his walk along the river and then we hit the hot tub!  I'm just a little pooped tonight.  Think I'm going to sleep like a rock!

Excellent news today for my friend Sandy!  Her new lungs arrived in Edmonton this morning and she was undergoing her lung transplant today!  I am anxiously awaiting news of how the surgery went but have no doubt it will be great!  She is a feisty little thing and has been working so hard over these past few months to regain her strength so she would be ready for this big day!  Go Sandy, Go!!!!!

Big thanks to those of you who have been sending me emails.  It's been wonderful!  Newsy pieces that have brought smiles to my face!  My only concern is that you all might run out of things to write about! Just so you know....I really appreciate those emails!  Makes me feel like I'm home with you!

Why oh why do things never seem to go as planned?  Or at least why do we always seem to be taking the round about way to get there.

I had a call from the doctor this morning.  He met with a group of hematologists yesterday re. my elevated white cell count.  It is a mystery to them why this has happened but they have to rule out certain things before starting me on the trial.  They seem to think it's probably just my body reacting to the cancer but of course there is always the possilbility of leukaemia.  They don't seem to really think this is the case but have to rule it out so off to the lab again this morning to have five more vials of blood drawn then off for a visit with Dr. Chen who will be reviewing the results of this test which will take a few days to come back.  So again, we are in the waiting game.  I really liked Dr Chen.  Handsome young man that totally reminded me of Chris Chow (only the badminton crowd will know who I'm talking about here)  He was very thorough and a straight shooter which I always appreciate.  I honestly can't imagine having the conversations with patients that these guys must have several times a day!

We left the hospital and to be honest I was feeling a little flat.  It's not that I have been really looking forward to starting chemotherapy again, because I'm definitely NOT, however, once you get yourself psyched there is a let down when things get delayed.  As we were sitting in a coffee shop the phone rang and it was Geoff and Lindsey calling to tell me that I am a "Silver Ambassador" for the ride to conquer cancer.  My donations topped $10,000 which awards me this honour!  Honestly, it is because of Lindsey that this happened.  She had one large donation that she steered my direction to make it happen.  I have just sent her a message telling her that Geoff hit the jackpot when he married her and so did we!  So we left the hospital with a little more jump in our step but still feeling a little unsettled with the wait ahead of us.  We went to Canadian tire to pick up some RV supplies and there at the entrance were the most amazing sunflowers looking right at me.  They just seemed to scream "Turn your face to the sun and you will not see the shadows"  That is what Sunflowers do!  A giant reminder to stay positive and focussed, to revisit my 4 p's...positivity, patience, perseverance and persistence!
Did a little shopping and returned to the RV park.  It is still raining but of course my fur child does not care.  He was just itching to go for a walk.  Bill reminded me that the reason we brought him was so that I would get out and walk so on went the raincoat and red rubber boots and off we went.  Found a fabulous pathway along the river where I was able to unleash Boomer.  He was thrilled!  We walked for about an hour and am now back home having a cup of tea and reflecting on my day!

Another highlight was an email I received from a student I taught over thirty years ago!  I am going to include it in this blog.  I taught Laurie during my first two years of teaching at Sir John A Macdonald and have never forgotten her nor her best friend Jolayne.  They were special girls, great athletes and students any teacher would love to teach.  I know teachers say they have no favourites but now that I'm not teaching I can say that that is not the case.  We all try to treat kids equally and to not show favouritism, however, there are standout kids over the years who just hold a spot in your heart.  Quite honestly, I have quite a few kids occupying my heart.  I have taught some fabulous kids over the years and to get an email like this is a gift and came on such a good day!

Here is the email!

Hi Leslie

I was taking a look at the top 100 fundraisers for the Ride to Conquer Cancer and came across you name and wondered if you were the same Leslie Sherlock I had for my grade 7 & 8 Phys Ed teacher at Sir John A MacDonald. After I saw your name, I went onto your webpage and read your amazing story of strength and thought yeah, that sounds like the lady I had as a teacher. Hope you don’t mind but I told Alicia the Ride Guide that I may know you, gave her some specifics like attending your wedding ceremony with Jolayne, Allison, and Miss Schneider (sorry can’t remember her first name) and she gave me your email address.

I am also participating in the Ride to Conquer Cancer for my 4^th year which was why I was looking at the website. It sounds like you have waged quite a battle against cancer, and I hope that you are well on your way to health and conquering this disease. Right about now I am hoping I have the right person, just wanted to say hi. Please disregard this email if I have made a mistake, so sorry. But if I haven’t made an error, drop me an email!!

So yes, the day has had it's ups and downs......but reading this blog I think you will agree there have been more peaks than valleys!  I just need to remember to say my white rabbits on Saturday as do the rest of you and all will be fine!!!!

So here's the first visual reminder for June 1st.  Clare....The youngest Honeybadger!!!

Count your garden by the flowers

Never by the leaves that fall;

Count your days by golden hours

Don't remember clouds at all.

Count the nights

by stars, not shadows,

Count your life by smiles,

not tears,

And with joy on every birthday

Count your age by friends

not years.

Thank you to my friend Corrine for sending me this poem.  She dropped in on Saturday night briefly to lend us some drivers for the Longest Drive contest but was very sick and could not stay.  She did look around the room and said she just had to send me this poem!  I think it's a beautiful message!

A hugely full day today with both bad and good in it!  Don't know whether to tell you the bad or the good first.  We were at Vancouver General bright and early for bloodwork, urinalysis and an EKG.  Finished up there then off for my favourite test (it's pretty much a tie with the PET), the dreaded endoscope.  If you remember back to when I was first diagnosed, this was the test I opted to take without sedation because I had driven my car to the Foothills and did not want to pay overnight parking!  Today I was thrilled that the doctor was very generous with the sedation.  I had a lovely sleep and woke up with no knowledge of what they had done to me.  We finished up there then went to see the doctor.  We were informed that for a number of reasons I would not be getting my treatment tomorrow  Firstly, it was now too late in the day to order the drugs, secondly we cannot start on a Thursday because the trial dictates that you have to see the doctor two days after treatment which would make it Saturday.  The biggest reason, however was my high white cell count and elevated platelets.  They are ten times what they were back last April.  He said normally, someone with a count this high would have a fever and be very sick which is definitely not the case with me!  But then we all know I have never really fit the description of "normal".  He decided he would like to talk with a haematologist and they will probably perform some more tests on me tomorrow.  It is possible that this is just my bodies response to the cancer but we have to be sure before we begin.  The good news was that there has been little progression in my disease since my PET three months ago!  That is awesome considering I have not been on any treatment over this time period.  Makes me a little less anxious.  At first I was feeling a little paniced.  Once I decide to go ahead with something I am like a Pit Bull.  Let's get on with it NOW!!!  So, I am choosing to look at this a little differently.  Instead of having treatment tomorrow I will have another weekend where I am feeling well and we will get in some cycling.  The weather is supposed to clear by Saturday which is good news because it positively poured all day today.  

When we were at the hospital Bill bought me a little present (pictured below) just to remind me to stay positive and upbeat.  

We got back to the RV park around 4:30 and Boomer and I hit the path system for an hours walk.  The rain had stopped and it was absolutely lovely!

News break!!!!  THE HONEY BADGERS HAVE MADE THEIR $100,000 GOAL!  Thanks to all of you who helped us get there!  What a great achievemnt.  Over the past two years this group of people have raised $180,000 for cancer research!  

Todays blog is dedicated to all the wonderful people who attended the Honey Badger Fundraiser at Schanks on Saturday night.

Dear friends
I am really not sure I can express eloquently enough how much your presence at Schanks meant to all of us on Saturday night.  I knew there were going to be a lot of people there but was bowled away when I actually saw everyone gathered into one area at Schanks.  Many people purchased their tickets at the door so there were many wonderful surprise attendees!

The support you have all given, unconditionally, over the past many months has been a source of strength for both myself and my family!  As I looked around the room on Saturday night it struck me that this was probably the first time ever that we had a gathering of every sub group of friends we have.  One tends to associate with one group at a time but Saturday night was a totally different experience! Attending, were friends from my work including teachers, support staff, parents and students, friends from Bill's work, childhood friends, badminton friends and Winter Club friends, neighbours, friends of both of my kids,  family members,  my friend Rhonda from the Terry Fox Foundation and of course friends and family of other team members!  It was my goal to try to hug and talk to every single person who was there to support me!  To be honest....it was the most overwhelming but gratifying evenings of my life!  My eyes are welling up as I write this!  My only regret was that I couldn't spend more time talking to each of you and if I missed anyone please forgive me!  I tried really hard to connect  with each of you but there were so many people there!

Not only did you come, you shopped!  The fundraiser raised a grand total of $16,200!  With this money our Honey Badgers are sitting in fifth place overall behind big name teams like Enbridge with a total of $97,000.  I think we may just make our $100,000 goal!  My hat goes off to my son Geoff and his wife Lindsey who really were the driving force behind this event!  They have a fabulous group of friends and family who helped and many of you just offered up donations without us even asking for them.

Now all we need to do is focus on getting ready for the big ride!  Bill and I arrived in Vancouver today.  It is raining here...(Bill is sure that is all it ever does in Vancouver) but hopefully over the next month we will get some of those beautiful days Vancouver is famous for.  We are staying by the Capillano Bridge and there is a great path network around here where we can walk Boomer and ride our bikes.
Tomorrow I have a full day at the hospital, an endoscope, bloodwork and a meeting with the doctor before starting treatment on Wednesday.  Am I scared?  You bet I am!  Am I hopeful?  Most certainly!
Am I grateful? More than I can say! Am I ready? As ready as I can be!   I don't know if this is going to work but I'm sure going to give it a try!  We arrived today with our bikes, our golf clubs and two bags of dorritos, all  the things necesary for a holiday!  We are going to do our best to make the next month seem like a vacation assuming I tolerate the treatment well!

So thank you all!  Keep those emails coming!  I am going to really miss all of you back home!

A busy day of running around getting things done.  Started out with the most important stuff, a pedicure!  If I'm going to be laying there getting chemo looking at my toes they had better look good!  Also had to look after Boomer's grooming needs (not his idea).  Took him once again to Pet Smart mostly because it's cheap and I didn't have time to do the dog wash thing myself today.  The grooming salon is at the back of the store so the poor guy had to endure further torture by having to walk by all kinds of treats and toys on the way to his "spa experience".  The girl at the counter asked if I would like the upgraded package.  For $15 more he would get his teeth brushed, his breath freshened, apple/oatmeal shampoo (which is very soothing to the skin), cologne and a bandanna.  Nope.....just the basic package is torture enough.  Wash, nails and ears!  Good enough!  I was told to pick him up in four hours.  I said I'd like to come earlier but was informed that they needed to brush him out and couldn't do it until he was dry and they would call me when he was ready.  When I arrived later in the afternoon to pick him up the girl at the reception told another girl that "Boomers Mom" was here and could she bring him out.  The back door opened up and out he came full boar, skidding as he rounded the corner, legs going spread eagle on the linoleum floor in all four directions!  His face said it all....."Get me out of here!!!"  Poor guy but he does look and smell much better. I know he does not think he should be subjected to this kind of treatment.  He is not like the other pooches getting fancy hair dos etc.  In fact, as I was waiting I heard the receptionist call one owner to inform her that "Miss Alaska" was ready for pickup!  Just the name says it all.  In any case, if we are going to be living in the close quarters of the fifth wheel for the next month it's kind of important he be clean!  The trouble will be keeping him that way!  Not likely going to happen but it will be nice for a few days anyways!

Did a little birthday shopping, picked up my Dad's mail, got some heart worm medication and picked up a few other odds and sods. In between all of this I managed to meet up with Geoff and Lindsey for lunch.  They seem to be pretty organized for tomorrow nights event!  We are all so overwhelmed by the support we have had.  Thankyou again to everyone who has contributed by buying tickets, donating items, sponsoring riders or by joining the ride!!  One quick question.....is there anyone out there who has an old driver (golf) that they wouldn't mind lending for the event?  We don't want a driver that you use but I know many people have old clubs in their basement collecting dust.  If you have one you wouldn't mind being used for the longest drive event could you please bring it tomorrow night?  Schanks does have a left handed driver but all their right handed drivers are "broken" which tells me you don't want to have your good driver there for use!  I know mine is staying home in it's bag! So.....see you tomorrow! Should be a fun evening!

       "THE RACE IS NOT FOR THE SWIFT, NOR THE BATTLE FOR THE STRONG.  
                                              IT IS FOR THE ONE WHO ENDURES!"

Spent last night at the lake with Dad and Kelli.  We packed everthing up this morning and headed home to Calgary.  The next few days will be a whirlwind of activity to get ready to return to Vancouver.  Three road trips out there and back in under a month is a little much, especially for me whose favourite means of travel is not by car!! Bill will pick up our fifth wheel tomorrow with fingers crossed that it has wintered well.  We had to get new batteries today and hopefully that will be it but should there be issues I may just fly out on Sunday and he will drive out later.  That may come to pass anyways as my nurse called today and in a very chipper voice told me we would be getting started on Monday.  I had already had a call earlier in the day letting me know that my endoscope was scheduled for Tuesday morning so Bill and I were breathing sighs of relief thinking we would have an extra day to get there!  I asked what I needed to be there for on Monday and she informed me that they would do blood work and I would meet with the doctor.  I just met with the doctor for heaven's sakes!  Can't imagine what else we could have to talk about at this point. I have already been well prepped about possible side effects etc.   The endoscope takes 15 minutes, the blood work maybe five minutes and I would bet the doctor will spend all of ten minutes with me!  I asked if we couldn't do all those things on Tuesday.  She did sound a little exasperated with me but honestly let's be reasonable here!  Once I'm there I won't be difficult but I'm thinking they should be able to accomodate me on this one request.  I had actually asked if I couldn't start a week later and was told that would not be possible.  New patients cannot be brought into the study until I have been in it for a few weeks and the doctor is going to be away that week and prefers to be present on my first week.  That makes sense but this Monday business does not!

Tomorrow we will dewinterize the trailer and get it packed up.  We are trying to approach this month in Vancouver as if it was a holiday!  We're packing golf clubs, bikes and hiking gear with hopes that between treatments I will feel well and we will be able to enjoy ourselves.  I am hoping to continue with my bike training so that I'm ready for the big ride!  Thanks to all who have donated and/or have purchased tickets to the fundraiser event on Saturday night.  There will be tickets on sale at the door for anyone who has not yet got their ticket and wants to come!  The more the merrier!!!

Just heading back to Calgary from Vancouver!  Bill was up at the crack of dawn (5:30 AM) chomping  the bit to go.  Maureen and Duane have pretty good security in their building so I was annoyed we were going to have to get them out of bed so we could exit the building.  You need a key fob to go down the elevator and also one to exit the parkade.  We finally decided we would go down to the

parkade and I would let him out, then I’d head back up to their place on the 12^th floor, return the keys, then exit via the stairs which need to be left unlocked due to fire regulations.  Worked like a charm except for the fact I couldn’t lock the door to their place once I dropped the keys back.  Oh well….with that kind of security I don’t think they had any worries.

I have been very emotional today which is quite unlike me.  I think I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with thoughts of leaving my home, my friends and family which have really been my strength over these past months.  It has all happened so quickly. I am happy to be part of the study and I am excited to be given this opportunity, however,  I have had my moments.  Today I  thought about several friends who are also going through very tough circumstances right now and from them I have managed to gather some strength. I hope they too gather strength from me in their low moments.   I have spent some time today thinking about each of these amazing people and realize that although each of us is facing different challenges there are definitely strong threads of commonalities.  First I thought of Sandy who is still awaiting a lung transplant in Edmonton.  She too has had to leave her home city, Saskatoon, in order to get the medical care she needs.  I faithfully follow her husbands accounts of their days at the University Hospital and stories of friends and family coming to visit.  I know how much Sandy loves her kids and her grandchildren and although this time away must be excrutiatingly painful, she has hope that her life will be saved so she can return home and continue to be part of their lives.  I think of Monica who has been an inspiration, a role model, a source of information and a friend.  She has battled this horrible disease for 14 years and is going in for yet another surgery in the next couple of weeks.  Her son is also undergoing surgery for his own issues.  This is a family who has been dealt a lousy hand, yet continue to live life fully with a hopeful eye on the future.  I think of my friends Lorna and Cliff who are also wrestling through this maze, trying to live a normal life when life is far, far from normal!  Then there’s my dear friend Sandra who has lived with lupus for most of her adult life.  She is going through a terrible rough patch right now and recently sent me an email that struck a chord because it is totally reflective of my thoughts.  The worst part of being faced with life threatening illness is not the struggles you yourself have to endure ..... as challenging as these might be , the worst partt is knowing that your family and friends who love you are living this nightmare with you!  We have all become so good at reading each others moods.   When I reflect on all the “stories” out there I realize that mine is just one of many.  I know I have to remain strong and focused on what I hope to gain from participating in this trial.  No one ever told me achieving this goal would be easy.  We all have our "litle bothers in this life!"

So tomorrow I return to Calgary.  I have had time to reflect on whether or not I'm doing the right thing and the simple conclusion I have come to is that I won't know if I don't try.  I have a few days to get organized for my month away and I have a great party to attend on Saturday night with my fellow Honey Badgers and all our supporters!  If any of you are reading this and are wondering "What can I do for her?" I can tell you.  Please stay connected!  I love your emails, I love hearing what you are up to and what your kids are doing, I love your stories.......keep me in the loop. You know how I love to be part of things!!!    I have been so blessed with your companionship over these past months:  coffee dates, lunches and dinners, shows  ......now I will need to settle for "virtual companionship".

Today I read a something my friend Carol posted…….I loved some of the quotes and certainly appreciated that these 15 steps were food for thought.

Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier. We hold on to so many things that cause us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today we will give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and we will embrace change. Ready? Here we go:

1. Give up your need to always be right. There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?”Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?

2. Give up your need for control. Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu

3. Give up on blame. Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.

4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk. Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.

“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle

5. Give up your limiting beliefs about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!

“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle

6. Give up complaining. Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

7. Give up the luxury of criticism. Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.

8. Give up your need to impress others. Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take of all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.

9. Give up your resistance to change. Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” Joseph Campbell

10. Give up labels. Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer

11. Give up on your fears. Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.
“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

12. Give up your excuses. Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.

13. Give up the past. I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.

14. Give up attachment. This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another,  attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.

15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves.  

You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.

  

A quick update on where things sit.
My appointment for a CT scan was at 2:30 today.  We basically just killed time before this.  Checked out Mountain Equipment Co-op, went for a lattee at Artigianos (they make the best lattees) and checked out the Whole Foods Grocery Store.  Bill couldn't believe we were cruising around a grocery store but the weather was so so today and it seemed like as good a thing to do as anything.  The funny part of it was we walked in the door of the store and the very first person we laid eyes on was Duane.  Here we are in a city where we no no one and who do we run into???  Our friends doing their grocery shopping.
We are staying with them tonight and Maureen is cooking her delicious Seafood Cliopino for us!  What a treat.

We met with the nurse who will be monitoring me through the trial and she went over the consent form with me before I signed it.  We discussed the possible side effects which for the most part didn't seem too bad, the worst being death!  I think every single medication and surgery I have had this has been a listed risk factor.  There are 62 people in the trial and actually theyt have had one death from a perforated bowel.  The way a phase 1 trial works is they continually increase the dosage with the purpose being to discover toxicity levels.  They have actually cut back on the dosage due to some of the side effects they've been seeing in patients participating in this particular trial.  Because of this one death I have to see a gastroenterologist before I head back to Calgary.  Not sure what tests I'll have to undergo there but am really hoping that I see that doctor in the next day or so.  We asked if I could delay starting the trial for another week but the doctor said no, I have to be back in Vancouver on May 27.  It certainly makes things more frantic but it is very important to me to be home for Saturdays event at Schanks.  Soooo.....depending on this appointment I will either drive back with Bill or catch a flight home.  I may fly out on Sunday and he will drive out with our fifth wheel.  I have blood work and other tests on Monday and then will have the chemo on Tuesday.  We have booked a site in the RV park for the month and will take it from there at the end of the month.  It is my understanding that if I am tolerating the drugs OK I'll be able to come and go after the first month and won't need so much monitoring!

Just talked to the doctor.  Apparently it is an endocope I am having.  They need to check that there is no residual tumour in my throat.  He does not think this is going to be the case based on my PET scan but wants to be certain before they start me.  So we leave Vancouver tomorrow, will stop in Windermere to pick up my fur child and my golf clubs, then home to Calgary for a whirlwind of prep then back to Vancouver with the fifth wheel on Sunday!  Good thing Bill doesn't mind driving!  The other option is I may fly out myself and he will just drive out depending on how things go with getting organized.
Soooo.....I'll be at the party on Saturday and I expect you all to celebrate big time!